JULY | 2020 | LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

FREEDOM FROM CONTROL

Someone somewhere once said that when it comes to relationships, the party with the least amount of interest has the most control. Believe it or not, there are still some who either can’t, or don’t understand this as a reality. It's easy to see how the relationship’s chaser can get lost in this. because he’s used to doing most, if not all of the work. He’s used to calling or texting first, just as much as he’s used to making the first move- he goes hard. However, this hardness comes with a price he didn’t budget for: his freedom.

Far too many of us have played the victim in situations such as these which is why we’re going to spend a little time giving you all some tips on identifying the behaviors associated with a Beaux who isn’t as into you as you are him and how to reclaim the freedom you were meant to have.

This month’s journey begins with energy. We’re not talking about the textbook definition of energy, but the intensity you feel for someone you’re really, really interested in. It’s the way the air stills whenever he walks into the room, the reason the hair on your arms stands whenever he touches you, and the excitement you experience just by thinking about him. That’s the energy we’re talking about.

The presence of this energy is essential at all stages of our romantic relationships. The absence of this energy has the opposite effect, and often leaves us feeling as if we’re either trying too hard or not hard enough. The absence haunts, and its presence can sometimes feel like an apparition of failure, uncertainty, and sadness. 

We hate to compare our kind of love to heterosexual standards, but there is at least one similarity, which is that both are sparked by chemistry and attraction. Both the chemistry and attraction start off as mutual as they are undeniable, and are almost certain to intensify over time. However great all of this sounds, things don’t always lead to the development of an actual relationship, because someone, for whatever reason, loses interest.

Life on a better planet, a planet where men are actually honest about their feelings, would be a lot easier, but we don’t live on that planet, do we? We might never know the real reason he’s lost his interest, but by the time we’re done here, we’ll always know the signs. 

Sign spotting can be difficult depending on your role in the relationship, as those who do the chasers are less likely to pick up what the disinterested Beaux is throwing down. Chasers are used to chasing, and are often fans of the hunt. They sometimes lack the cognition needed to recognize that their prey has not only sidelined them, but is using them as an ego booster when needed. As previously stated, the chaser does all of the work.

They arrange and often pay for the dates, are open about their intentions and feelings, and are always willing to go the extra mile for that which they are chasing. Chasers are known for going hard, and sometimes they go so hard they fail to realize that they’re not in control, that they are being controlled, and that each and every one of their efforts to win their Beaux are for naught.

Chasers normally find themselves so involved that they not only miss their exit, but never seem to realize just why they shouldn’t have made that left at Albuquerque. While this is a very noble fault, he will always find himself a victim of his own actions. We don’t want that for him, you, or for any other “good guy” out there, because repeated offenses will turn you into the trash you’re chasing faster than they’ll produce the kind of relationship you actually deserve. 

CODE “READ”

A surefire way to assess his level of interest can be found in how he responds to our texts and calls. If he’s interested then he’ll respond to a missed call with a text or a missed text with a call. An interested Beaux will never want us to feel as if he’s ignoring us, and will be as responsive as possible. We’ve gotta be careful about how we monitor this, because this is reality and none of us should ever expect someone to always be available. As a matter of fact, we shouldn’t even be interested in someone who’s always available. 

The best way to monitor this is to see how he reacts to texts and calls when we’re together. If he constantly checks his phone (which is another sign he’s not into us) then we should take the hint. While we shouldn’t be into a Beaux who is always available, nobody on Earth is too busy to respond to a call, especially if that someone is claiming to be interested in us.  Maya Angelou gave us a word when she said that we should believe someone when they show us who they are the first time, and this is no different. If he’s unresponsive, he’s not interested. Take the hint.  

“THANKS” FOR NOTHING

Compliments are fun, and while many of us don’t need them all of the time, many of us can appreciate them some of the time. The difference between a Beaux who is interested and a Beaux who is not is that the interested Beaux will throw us a bone every now and again. The disinterested Beaux wouldn’t pay us a compliment if his life depended on it, but he’s always in line to accept the compliments we give to him.

His place in this line tells a tale, a tale of what happens when we’re taken for granted, a tale of him prioritizing his ego over our own, and a tale of him not being able to find anything to compliment us on. The most appalling part about this is that whenever we compliment him, the most he can muster is a thanks, and it's not even an appreciative one. 

To be fair, there are some really valid reasons as to why he doesn’t complement us. There are, in real life, people who simply don’t have the capacity to compliment. Our best suggestion is to ask him why he doesn’t compliment us before jumping to conclusions, because doing so will, or at least should, let him know that we’d appreciate one every so often. Actually, scratch that, because we don’t want to give him any room to wiggle, and will need to explicitly state our needs, because if he’s interested he’ll make an effort to do so. 

MULTIPLE MAN

This one can be tricky because there are those of us who don’t mind dating a Beaux who occupies his time away from us with other people. Although some of us are comfortable with being an option, others are not, and can use this information to determine whether or not someone is genuinely interested in us. Any Beaux who is as interested in us as we are interested in him isn’t going to invest his time and attention into anyone who isn’t us.

There are exceptions to this, and the first one is that he’s told us (and we’ve accepted) that he has feelings for more than one person. While this might be a thing (and it certainly is) for some, it might not be the “thing” for us. We can never fight or dispute how someone feels, because it’s how they feel, all we can do is decide if these are feelings we can rock with. The other exception occurs in instances of open relationships.

Open relationships actually occur and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being involved in one if we so choose. His feelings for more than one person or interest in open relationships aren’t things that concern us unless we find ourselves sharing similar interests. However, given that neither of these situations are applicable, the hill we’re willing to die on is the same hill we’re shouting that he’s not interested in us if he’s cat daddying around with other guys, because we are, and will always be, more than someone’s option.  

These are but three indicators that we’re dating a Beaux who isn’t interested in us. These indicators beg the question of “why”. Why would someone stay after experiencing these things? This is where control and interest come into play.

Most of our relationships start with one person being more interested in the other, which explains why some people are classified as chasers while others are classified as the chased. It’s important to understand that we all move at different paces, and that there’s nothing wrong with that.

The problem arises when our Beaux knows beyond any shadow of any doubt that he’s not that into us, and continues to waste our time by accepting our gestures. 

His control is as intentional as it is manipulative. It might take our uninterested Beaux a day to respond to a simple good morning text, but rest assured that he got it. It made him smile, and he moved on because he got the ego boost that comes with knowing that we were thinking about him.

He knows the role he plays in this and everything else we’ve mentioned, but he has yet to admit that he’s not interested. This is the part when the ball of responsibility bounces in our court, the part where we have to remember who the fuck we actually are, and the part where we decide to dedicate our attention to someone who will both appreciate and deserve it. This is the part when we emancipate ourselves from his self-centered ways. 

Separations are almost never easy, but they are always necessary in situations such as these. We have, and will continue to advocate for open and honest communication, so it shouldn’t be surprising that it serves as our first recommendation. Assumptions are stupid, and the best way to prevent ourselves from making assumptions is to ask him. If he admits that he’s not interested then we’ve got our answer, but if he doesn’t then we have now created the perfect opportunity to express what the fuck it is we need from him.

Our next suggestion is a little petty, but just because something is petty doesn’t mean that it won’t work. Give him a dose of his own medicine by turning a mirror on the indicators above. We should consider increasing our response time when and if he calls or texts. Let’s allow  that missed call go unreturned for a day or two, and allow that text to remain on “read” up until our phone begins to smell as it rots in our inbox.

And the compliments? What compliments?!? We’re not wasting another ounce of energy complimenting someone who can barely acknowledge that we exist. Compliments are no longer on the menu. And finally, date. We’re still dying on the hill of exclusive dating, but given all he’s done to show us he’s not interested in us, are we really dating? Are we?!?!?! 

We’ve said it once, and we’ll probably say it again; there exists a very thin line between dating and sifting through a landfill. While our hope is always to find someone that’s recyclable at least, we’ve got to understand that dating is a process and that it takes time. None of us have forever, which is why we must be cautious about investing too much time and energy into a Beaux who is not as interested in us as we are into him. Doing so places him in a position of control, a control that once relinquished will find us lain in a state of emotional pain, regret, and hopelessness.